


only fools fall for you

by MadHatterNO7



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Yuuri Wants To Die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:06:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8593780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadHatterNO7/pseuds/MadHatterNO7
Summary: They are always there in the back of his mind, incomprehensible murmurs that turn into angry screams, blaming him for everything bad that has ever happened. What’s even more pathetic is that he believes  every single damn word of it  and he can’t help it.Or: Viktor's words were the last straw.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING: Really triggering and explicit details of Yuuri's mental breakdown. Please do not read if easily offended. I also do not promote any sort of suicide or self harm.**
> 
> I wrote this because no one seems to be talking about how much it hurts for someone you trust to say things like this to someone who has crippling anxiety and self esteem issues. I wrote this because being in love doesn't make mental illnesses go away.
> 
> Title from 'Fools' - Troye Sivan.
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

 

He’s drowning again. The weight in his chest is back, constricting his breathing. The tears on his cheeks have dried but the pillow is still cold and wet. His limbs are heavy, and his head is pounding.

 

It’s quiet – too quiet. Even when he could hear the muffled sound of traffic outside the hotel, and the ragged breathing of his own. Silence has never been a stranger to Yuuri. He enjoys its company and it calms him down. But times like this means that he can clearly hear all the self-destructive thoughts.

 

Everything hurts. The pain is numbing, but not numb enough. He feels. Every time he thinks he’s getting better, he relapses. He feels happiness momentarily, and it becomes a temporary solution to his problems. Putting up a wall. He tells himself that he shouldn’t scratch the wall because it’s fragile but people come and they knock the entire thing down.

 

Sometimes it’s no one’s fault. It just comes crashing down by itself and the feeling of joy turns into _you don’t deserve to be happy._

 

Breathing exercises don’t work well when he’s drowning.

 

He hates himself for being sad and not being strong enough. He doesn’t want to care but he _does_ and it’s killing him. The scene replays in his head regardless of whether he has his eyes closed, and Viktor is telling him that he’s going to resign and stop being his coach if he doesn’t perform well.

 

His brain starts whispering, shouting, screaming at that – _See? People leave because they don’t want you. It’s your own fucking fault. You’re worthless. A waste of time. You don’t deserve him. You never deserved him. You don’t deserve the kindness, the lingering touches, the way he looks at you. You’re being selfish for wanting him to stay. He has better things to do than to deal with you and your mental breakdowns._

 

Yuuri digs his nails into his stomach and makes it hurt so his brain would distract itself from the constant and persistent thoughts of _you deserve the pain._ He barely registers when there is not a place on his pale stomach that doesn’t have half-moons printed on by his nails.

 

Thoughts that have been suppressed by his time with Viktor started surfacing when he woke up this morning, dread pooling in his stomach as he thought about the competition, but Viktor’s words were the last straw.

 

He knows what happens when they say things like this. He knows what happens when they leave. He shouldn’t have trusted him. He shouldn’t have gotten attached. He shouldn’t have made Viktor his home.

 

_Remember your first girlfriend? She didn’t get why you cried every time someone did something remotely nice to you. Remember you first boyfriend? He left you because he got tired looking after you after your panic attacks. You should really stop falling._

 

His phone is laying on top of the drawer next to his bed and he wants to call someone for help. But he can’t bring himself to because he feels guilty, _so fucking guilty_ , for burdening someone with his own problems. He knows people have their own problems to deal with and they don’t need any more. He feels selfish for wanting to talk to his mum, to Phichit, to Yuuko, _to anyone at all_.

 

Everyone would be better off if he was dead. His family wouldn’t have to deal with all the social withdrawals, the appetite changes and disrupted sleeping patterns. Yuuko wouldn’t have to deal with his midnight visits to the ice rink anymore. Phichit wouldn’t have to climb his bed at night to hold him together. And Viktor. Beautiful, perfect Viktor. He would be on the ice rink competing like he was born to skate rather than trying to help a hopeless cause.

 

He knows how pathetic it is, when everyone around him is happy and enjoying life when all he could think about was death. He knows he has issues when his first reaction to everything, whether it be positive or negative, is always _I want to die_.

 

Real life is nothing like the soap operas his mum likes to watch. He has watched plenty of dramas where the main character is always saved by prince charming, and suddenly everything’s fine and her problems are all solved. Real life doesn’t work like that. He falls in love and it burns and he breaks. It doesn’t fix him fully, just like how you can stick broken china back together but there are missing pieces and cracks are still there.

 

They are always there in the back of his mind, incomprehensible murmurs that turn into angry screams, blaming him for everything bad that has ever happened. What’s even more pathetic is that he believes _every single damn word of it_ and he can’t help it.

 

“Suicidal people are selfish,” someone he knew once said. “They don’t care about how they will affect the people around them, how heartbroken their family and friends would be. They don’t think about the consequences.”

 

_Ah, but they do. They think about it so much it’s become one of the reasons why they’re so torn up and broken. People like us also don’t believe that there are people out there who care about us enough to be caught up in our deaths. We are selfish because we once cared too much – we still care too much – and suicide is the only way to end this pain._

 

Yuuri doesn’t know how he got here, or where he is. His head hurts from all the crying he’s done, his legs weak and trembling. He remembers the way Viktor’s lips felt against his, how happy he felt when he looked up to see Viktor smiling at him. _Proud of someone fucked up._

 

He wants to call Viktor and tell him that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him but Viktor is asleep in the hotel room next to his and Yuuri doesn’t want to disturb him.

 

The city is under his feet and it’s lit up with red and pink neon signs. He recognises some of the Chinese characters from kanji and he’s almost at home. It’s dark and the gentle breeze here almost fools him and makes him feel like he’s breathing.

 

Some part of him is still hoping for the phone call from his mum, asking how his day has been. Some part of him is still hoping that he’s back in bed in Detroit where Phichit would tangle their legs together, letting Yuuri sleep with his head against his shoulder. Some part of him is still hoping that Viktor would find him right now and stop him.

 

His mum named him courage but he doesn’t allow himself the courage to jump.

 

He falls instead.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Tumblr @[arentwelost](http://arentwelost.tumblr.com)


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